I have been plagued by many time-consuming activities in the last few weeks which have prevented me from updating my posts in my solemn duties as one of the internet’s most memorable food critics. A trip to the birth of my nephew, a trip to Nebraska, and beginning final preparations for college, such as packing, have left me with few spare ticks of free time. Over the last few weeks, I was faced with a difficult choice. I could either not update this blog, or I could write an abridged review or two in order to keep the compilations current. I immediately realized that a food critique without adequate amounts of dedication and time was not truly a Rick Seltzer food critique, so I was forced to lay down my keyboard and spork for a brief period of time.
Fortunately for my critiquing muscles, I was exposed to a new food during my brief trip to the Midwest. This has allowed me to combine my nationwide travels with my need to sample new and exciting foods from various fast food restaurants. Normally, I review food that is sold in my home state of Pennsylvania due to the fact that it is easy to access, but I am always open to more nationally inclined viewpoints in my endeavors as a critic. Indeed, this article concerns a fascinating egg sandwich that I picked up at four in the morning in a Subway truck stop in Iowa. Since all Subways feature the same basic food and ingredients, I do not believe that this out-of-state experience has skewed my reviewing in any way. However, if you, the reader, finds cause to disagree with this, feel free to contact me.
Subway has offered breakfast sandwiches for some time, although the shop has never particularly pushed the concoctions with the marketing savvy of Jared. Subsequently, many individuals are not privy to the fact that you can “Eat Fresh” for breakfast. This is not necessarily a bad thing, however, as a Subway breakfast sandwich cost me the better part of four dollars. While I do not pretend to be the thriftiest critic in existence, I can buy four Krispy Kreme donuts and multiple McDonald’s breakfast sandwiches for this price. Such prices necessitate that Subway breakfasts are only for the most loyal fans of the nationwide deli chain.
The Sandwich itself is an egg patty, cheese, and an optional meat on a breakfast croissant. One can choose from no meat, bacon, or steak to accompany his or her standard egg and cheese sandwich. I personally chose bacon because I associate it more closely with breakfast, and I was pleasantly surprised to receive a heaping number of fatty pig pieces adorning my egg and cheese. The amount of meat was more than adequate, although I was, in the end, quite disappointed that Subway offered me no sausage. However, while I find sausage to be the ultimate in breakfast sandwich meat, Subway proved to me that bacon can be an adequate substitute for the King of AM protein.
Subway did an excellent job of making a wonderful egg patty and cheese combination on top of a deliciously light, fluffy, and buttery croissant. I was even given the option to choose my type of cheese. This was an incredibly nice touch that most other restaurants lack in the morning.
I watched my entire sandwich was assembled and placed in an industrial strength microwave oven, where it was quickly heated. It was a pleasantly hot sandwich that had a good flavor upon its removal. Unfortunately, it was also quite salty. This caused a great deal of thirst on my tongue, and I was forced to spend yet more money on drinks. With my wallet already hurting from the steep price of the sandwich, I was not looking to have to splurge on expensive liquids to reach a state of breakfast satisfaction.
Subway does not have the comprehensive, sausage-inclusive breakfast menus of many other fast-food restaurants. It is also quite steep in its breakfast prices. An exceptionally high quality if food in the breakfast sandwich made up for these shortcomings, though. Overall, the Subway bacon and egg breakfast croissant receives three sporks out of five. If it had the option of bacon or a slightly lower price, it would surely reach four-spork heights. Until Jared reaches these conclusions on his own, Subway’s morning offerings will be relegated to cult followers and those looking for a change in their morning routines.
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August 16, 2005
July 28, 2005
Fowl Follow-Up
After my successful patriotic endeavor into the world of fast-food chicken, my taste buds were left wondering what other delectable birds were served through America’s drive-through gourmets. Having sampled the most respected and more upper-crust offerings of the industry, I decided to try a less expensive offering. This decision led me straight to McDonald’s dollar McChicken.
I have several friends that rave about the McChicken. They have a great love for its combination of price, taste, and power to fill the stomach. Before this past week, I had never ventured to taste this champion of cheap chicken, and I felt that following up on fast-food poultry offered the perfect opportunity.
The culinary contraption known as the McChicken is basically a breaded chicken patty, some lettuce, and some mayonnaise slapped on a bun. While this description sounds as appetizing as the sandwich looks, it actually has quite a bit of enjoyable taste. My taste buds told me that the sandwich had a similar flavor to cafeteria chicken patties.
While I realize that not all individuals like the chicken patty as much as I do, (My liking was explicitly expressed in a column of Rick’s Café Critique in the Periscope) there is still no argument that it is a classically inoffensive presentation of chicken. I have yet to meet anyone that hates chicken patties. In fact, I can count on one hand the number of people that feel strong enough negative emotion in relation to the sandwich to say that they dislike it. I am certain that this universal inoffensiveness (if it should not be described as nationwide appeal) of chicken patties translates to the McChicken.
The McChicken is not, however, a chicken patty clone. It has a distinct taste of its own. I would hardly say that it tastes more like chicken than a classic chicken patty, but it does have a unique taste of its own. The most effective description would be to say that it has a unique McDonald’s flavor. Those that have eaten under the golden arches will surely understand what this means. It is a combination of salt, grease, chemicals that can actually be appealing if one doesn’t stop to think about why he or she craves it.
Aside from the satisfying chicken patty itself, the McChicken is essentially some mayo, lettuce shreds, and a bun. McDonald’s lettuce is by no means the best in food, but it falls short of being downright “bad”. If anything, the lettuce on the McChicken adds a little crunch, though it hardly touches the flavor department. Again, the bun and mayonnaise do not offend and blend well with the chicken. My sole complaint would be that there is no tomato offered with the sandwich. I am not a fan of tomatoes on my sandwiches at all, but it is a fairly standard offering throughout fast food. A part of me left Ronald’s house feeling that some American tradition had been slaughtered with the McChicken. I suppose sacrifices must be made for the sake of “ballin’ on a budget”.
My final point on the dollar McChicken sandwich is that it does not actually cost a dollar. (At least in my home state of Pennsylvania) The sandwich sits on the dollar menu and a dollar is deposited in McDonald’s coffers with the purchase of the sandwich, but taxes push the sandwich past the convenience of handing the cashier a Washington and being done with payment. I have to pay $1.06, and though this is hardly an enormous point of contention, it does strike me as somewhat annoying that I must pay more than a dollar to buy from the dollar menu. This complaint is, of course, universal to all dollar and 99 cents menus.
When all is said and done, the McChicken sandwich is a budget-minded bird with big taste. Its flavor and quality hardly compare to that of Wendy’s chicken offerings, yet its price puts the expensive fowls of Dave’s burger joint to shame. I give the McChicken a solid three sporks out of five for an enjoyable taste and low price. Aside from its toll on one’s wallet, however, nothing is truly outstanding on this offering, making it a true three spork middle-of-the-pack sandwich. Though birds of a feather must fly together, I would never suggest that the Spicy Chicken Sandwich fly with Rondald McDonald’s budget offering.
I have several friends that rave about the McChicken. They have a great love for its combination of price, taste, and power to fill the stomach. Before this past week, I had never ventured to taste this champion of cheap chicken, and I felt that following up on fast-food poultry offered the perfect opportunity.
The culinary contraption known as the McChicken is basically a breaded chicken patty, some lettuce, and some mayonnaise slapped on a bun. While this description sounds as appetizing as the sandwich looks, it actually has quite a bit of enjoyable taste. My taste buds told me that the sandwich had a similar flavor to cafeteria chicken patties.
While I realize that not all individuals like the chicken patty as much as I do, (My liking was explicitly expressed in a column of Rick’s Café Critique in the Periscope) there is still no argument that it is a classically inoffensive presentation of chicken. I have yet to meet anyone that hates chicken patties. In fact, I can count on one hand the number of people that feel strong enough negative emotion in relation to the sandwich to say that they dislike it. I am certain that this universal inoffensiveness (if it should not be described as nationwide appeal) of chicken patties translates to the McChicken.
The McChicken is not, however, a chicken patty clone. It has a distinct taste of its own. I would hardly say that it tastes more like chicken than a classic chicken patty, but it does have a unique taste of its own. The most effective description would be to say that it has a unique McDonald’s flavor. Those that have eaten under the golden arches will surely understand what this means. It is a combination of salt, grease, chemicals that can actually be appealing if one doesn’t stop to think about why he or she craves it.
Aside from the satisfying chicken patty itself, the McChicken is essentially some mayo, lettuce shreds, and a bun. McDonald’s lettuce is by no means the best in food, but it falls short of being downright “bad”. If anything, the lettuce on the McChicken adds a little crunch, though it hardly touches the flavor department. Again, the bun and mayonnaise do not offend and blend well with the chicken. My sole complaint would be that there is no tomato offered with the sandwich. I am not a fan of tomatoes on my sandwiches at all, but it is a fairly standard offering throughout fast food. A part of me left Ronald’s house feeling that some American tradition had been slaughtered with the McChicken. I suppose sacrifices must be made for the sake of “ballin’ on a budget”.
My final point on the dollar McChicken sandwich is that it does not actually cost a dollar. (At least in my home state of Pennsylvania) The sandwich sits on the dollar menu and a dollar is deposited in McDonald’s coffers with the purchase of the sandwich, but taxes push the sandwich past the convenience of handing the cashier a Washington and being done with payment. I have to pay $1.06, and though this is hardly an enormous point of contention, it does strike me as somewhat annoying that I must pay more than a dollar to buy from the dollar menu. This complaint is, of course, universal to all dollar and 99 cents menus.
When all is said and done, the McChicken sandwich is a budget-minded bird with big taste. Its flavor and quality hardly compare to that of Wendy’s chicken offerings, yet its price puts the expensive fowls of Dave’s burger joint to shame. I give the McChicken a solid three sporks out of five for an enjoyable taste and low price. Aside from its toll on one’s wallet, however, nothing is truly outstanding on this offering, making it a true three spork middle-of-the-pack sandwich. Though birds of a feather must fly together, I would never suggest that the Spicy Chicken Sandwich fly with Rondald McDonald’s budget offering.
July 20, 2005
Perennial Pizza
It can be said that all things should be done in moderation. Subsequently, I, your humble food critic, took a one week vacation from my summer vacation activity of reviewing food. I return with my reviewing batteries recharged and a new need for reviewing delectable inexpensive foods.
I work a long, difficult eight-hour day filled with many trying naps and difficult lounging. Subsequently, I am always hungry come lunchtime. Every Friday, several of my coworkers and I try to sample a different eating establishment. Often, our exploration leads us to all-you-can-eat buffets and other such smorgasbords. Last Friday, we found ourselves at the Pizza Hut lunch buffet.
The interesting Italian icon of pizza has, of course, been translated into many different American versions. We all know that pizza in the United States is hardly an Italian food, and pizza hut pizza is quite possibly the farthest cry from true Italian that one can find in a pizzeria. However, “gatherin’ round the good stuff” is not necessarily a bad thing. Although pizza hut pizza is not my favorite interpretation of the pies from Europe’s most famous boot, I cannot say that I find the pizza offensive. It has a solid blend of cheese, sauce, and golden crust. It is, of course, amazingly greasy and requires either a strong stomach or multiple cloth napkins (for dabbing grease) to eat, but this is an affliction of all pizza chains. It is not simply a Pizza Hut problem. I find the Pizza to be totally inoffensive, although one could make the argument that it is less than memorable.
The lunch buffet operates on a unique principle at “The Hut”. Most buffets have a specific menu that corresponds to a certain time and date. For instance, the Old Country Buffet may have fried chicken on Tuesday at dinner. If the chicken runs out, it will be refilled in the same place on the buffet. Pizza hut operates on a different principle. They rotate their pizzas. There may be a thin crust supreme pizza offered in a spot. After this pizza runs out, it may be replaced by a pan pepperoni pizza. This makes eating at the buffet a dynamic experience. One can approach the bar filled with excitement and anticipation, as he or she does now know what foods to expect. Breadsticks and the salad bar are consistently offered in the same place, as is a dessert pizza, but the other pizzas are rotated, seemingly at random. I find this unique execution to be somewhat charming.
Unfortunately, there are also drawbacks to this style of “buffeting”. One cannot always find the pizza that they wish to eat. For instance, I have a true penchant for pepperoni, yet I was confronted with the inability to grab a slice of pepperoni pizza at several critical eating junctures. Although the pizza rotation allows for obscure pizzas such as the buffalo chicken pizza to be offered in greater variety, it also limits one’s ability to continue to eat a favorite type of pizza.
One other unfortunate drawback to the buffet is a fallacy of every all-you-can-eat offering around the country. Simply put, it is far too tempting to overeat. In addition to the fact that chronic overeating can cause obesity, isolated incidents can cause discomfort, nausea, indigestion, and every other ailment that Pepto-Bismol claims to remedy. (Interesting factoid: Pepto-Bismol is listed in my spellchecker)
I must say that I enjoyed my experience at the Pizza Hut lunch buffet. Although the pizza will not satisfy the true “Italian Stallions” in America, it is a solid offering. The pizza rotation has its own unique advantages and drawbacks, and I enjoyed sampling many different types of pizzas. Based on this information, the buffet earns a commendable three and a half sporks out of a possible five. I may even return to the buffet afterwards. I shall just have to pack some Tums as I gather round the good stuff.
I work a long, difficult eight-hour day filled with many trying naps and difficult lounging. Subsequently, I am always hungry come lunchtime. Every Friday, several of my coworkers and I try to sample a different eating establishment. Often, our exploration leads us to all-you-can-eat buffets and other such smorgasbords. Last Friday, we found ourselves at the Pizza Hut lunch buffet.
The interesting Italian icon of pizza has, of course, been translated into many different American versions. We all know that pizza in the United States is hardly an Italian food, and pizza hut pizza is quite possibly the farthest cry from true Italian that one can find in a pizzeria. However, “gatherin’ round the good stuff” is not necessarily a bad thing. Although pizza hut pizza is not my favorite interpretation of the pies from Europe’s most famous boot, I cannot say that I find the pizza offensive. It has a solid blend of cheese, sauce, and golden crust. It is, of course, amazingly greasy and requires either a strong stomach or multiple cloth napkins (for dabbing grease) to eat, but this is an affliction of all pizza chains. It is not simply a Pizza Hut problem. I find the Pizza to be totally inoffensive, although one could make the argument that it is less than memorable.
The lunch buffet operates on a unique principle at “The Hut”. Most buffets have a specific menu that corresponds to a certain time and date. For instance, the Old Country Buffet may have fried chicken on Tuesday at dinner. If the chicken runs out, it will be refilled in the same place on the buffet. Pizza hut operates on a different principle. They rotate their pizzas. There may be a thin crust supreme pizza offered in a spot. After this pizza runs out, it may be replaced by a pan pepperoni pizza. This makes eating at the buffet a dynamic experience. One can approach the bar filled with excitement and anticipation, as he or she does now know what foods to expect. Breadsticks and the salad bar are consistently offered in the same place, as is a dessert pizza, but the other pizzas are rotated, seemingly at random. I find this unique execution to be somewhat charming.
Unfortunately, there are also drawbacks to this style of “buffeting”. One cannot always find the pizza that they wish to eat. For instance, I have a true penchant for pepperoni, yet I was confronted with the inability to grab a slice of pepperoni pizza at several critical eating junctures. Although the pizza rotation allows for obscure pizzas such as the buffalo chicken pizza to be offered in greater variety, it also limits one’s ability to continue to eat a favorite type of pizza.
One other unfortunate drawback to the buffet is a fallacy of every all-you-can-eat offering around the country. Simply put, it is far too tempting to overeat. In addition to the fact that chronic overeating can cause obesity, isolated incidents can cause discomfort, nausea, indigestion, and every other ailment that Pepto-Bismol claims to remedy. (Interesting factoid: Pepto-Bismol is listed in my spellchecker)
I must say that I enjoyed my experience at the Pizza Hut lunch buffet. Although the pizza will not satisfy the true “Italian Stallions” in America, it is a solid offering. The pizza rotation has its own unique advantages and drawbacks, and I enjoyed sampling many different types of pizzas. Based on this information, the buffet earns a commendable three and a half sporks out of a possible five. I may even return to the buffet afterwards. I shall just have to pack some Tums as I gather round the good stuff.
July 4, 2005
The (All-American) Spicy Chicken Sandwich
The great holiday of Independence Day brings many great thoughts into the minds of the eating public. Grilled hot dogs, charcoal-scorched hamburgers, potato salad, and patriotic Jell-o seem to jump into the front of one’s mind when he or she thinks of the fourth of July. A great spirit of picnicking seizes me on this national holiday. However, Fourth of July picnics have food that is priceless, so I was forced to review another American tradition over my fireworks filled patriotically inspired four-day weekend. I turned to Wendy’s Spicy Chicken Sandwich, a concoction that is as basic to Wendy’s survival as the 1812 Overture is to A Capitol Fourth.
The Spicy Chicken Sandwich is, of course, the food that sets Wendy’s apart from other fast-food restaurants. Though square hamburgers and the famous Frosty are unique traits of the house that Dave Thomas built, the Spicy Chicken Sandwich is Wendy’s proverbial “bread and butter”. Although I was tempted to review a cheeseburger in the American spirit, I can seldom resist the calling of a crisp, spicy chicken fillet when inside the hallowed doors of Wendy’s.
Eating the sandwich is not an inexpensive proposition, as is eating almost anything at Wendy’s. The Spicy Chicken meal is $4.99, and buying the sandwich alone saves little more than a few Roosevelts. However, if one is in the mood to splurge on his or her fast food, he or she can do little better than Dave’s flagship sandwich. I have always admired the spicy chicken for its delicious flavor and crispy outside. The chicken itself is a substantial piece of meat; it is not thin or floppy like a McChicken Sandwich and is not ground and grainy like Burger King’s feather-brained offerings. It is a true piece of chicken, complete with firm tasty white meat and dashed with a delicious amount of spice. A few years ago, Wendy’s made the chicken patty even crispier, a move that delighted my taste buds. The old sandwich was sufficiently crispy, but the new patty truly crunches upon the impact of one’s incisors, and leaves the eater feeling excited and rewarded. Additionally, Wendy’s sandwiches the tasty patty between a high-quality buns. I have never seen such a doughy, delicious wonder in any fast food offerings outside of Wendy’s chicken sandwich family, but the competition should take some notes. The bun very nearly makes the sandwich.
However, when many Americans think of a Spicy Chicken Sandwich, they do not think of the bun, the breading, or even the chicken of the sandwich. The word “spicy” hangs like a storm cloud over many individual’s impressions of a meal. Some do not like hot foods. Others have not tried them but avoid them at all costs. Personally, I believe that everyone should try spicy food once. It should be noted, though, that I am an advocate of spicy food. Wings cannot be too hot for me, and I love a good dash of hot sauce on nearly any meal. Having said this, I would rate the spicy chicken’s level of hot as “zingy”. One can definitely sense the spiciness, but it wears off after a drink of lemonade or spoonful of Frosty. It is, however, a pleasant and flavorful addition to an often-dull selection of fast food sandwiches that confronts our nation’s workers when they decide which restaurant to frequent for lunch.
I understand that many do not think of “chicken” when they think of America and the Fourth of July. However, in the same way that Uncle Sam championed Liberty Bonds, the late Dave Thomas used to feature his Spicy Chicken Sandwich. Though it is a definite stretch, I feel vindicated in reviewing the Spicy Chicken Sandwich on America’s Birthday. However, though the parallels between the spicy chicken and the Fourth of July are somewhat dubious, I have no doubt in giving the Spicy Chicken Sandwich four and a half (red white and blue) sporks out of a possible five. A high price keeps this otherwise-perfect sandwich from receiving a perfect rating. However, Wendy’s deserves commendation for this excellent, if not patriotic, effort. Happy clucking, Wendy’s, and happy birthday, America.
The Spicy Chicken Sandwich is, of course, the food that sets Wendy’s apart from other fast-food restaurants. Though square hamburgers and the famous Frosty are unique traits of the house that Dave Thomas built, the Spicy Chicken Sandwich is Wendy’s proverbial “bread and butter”. Although I was tempted to review a cheeseburger in the American spirit, I can seldom resist the calling of a crisp, spicy chicken fillet when inside the hallowed doors of Wendy’s.
Eating the sandwich is not an inexpensive proposition, as is eating almost anything at Wendy’s. The Spicy Chicken meal is $4.99, and buying the sandwich alone saves little more than a few Roosevelts. However, if one is in the mood to splurge on his or her fast food, he or she can do little better than Dave’s flagship sandwich. I have always admired the spicy chicken for its delicious flavor and crispy outside. The chicken itself is a substantial piece of meat; it is not thin or floppy like a McChicken Sandwich and is not ground and grainy like Burger King’s feather-brained offerings. It is a true piece of chicken, complete with firm tasty white meat and dashed with a delicious amount of spice. A few years ago, Wendy’s made the chicken patty even crispier, a move that delighted my taste buds. The old sandwich was sufficiently crispy, but the new patty truly crunches upon the impact of one’s incisors, and leaves the eater feeling excited and rewarded. Additionally, Wendy’s sandwiches the tasty patty between a high-quality buns. I have never seen such a doughy, delicious wonder in any fast food offerings outside of Wendy’s chicken sandwich family, but the competition should take some notes. The bun very nearly makes the sandwich.
However, when many Americans think of a Spicy Chicken Sandwich, they do not think of the bun, the breading, or even the chicken of the sandwich. The word “spicy” hangs like a storm cloud over many individual’s impressions of a meal. Some do not like hot foods. Others have not tried them but avoid them at all costs. Personally, I believe that everyone should try spicy food once. It should be noted, though, that I am an advocate of spicy food. Wings cannot be too hot for me, and I love a good dash of hot sauce on nearly any meal. Having said this, I would rate the spicy chicken’s level of hot as “zingy”. One can definitely sense the spiciness, but it wears off after a drink of lemonade or spoonful of Frosty. It is, however, a pleasant and flavorful addition to an often-dull selection of fast food sandwiches that confronts our nation’s workers when they decide which restaurant to frequent for lunch.
I understand that many do not think of “chicken” when they think of America and the Fourth of July. However, in the same way that Uncle Sam championed Liberty Bonds, the late Dave Thomas used to feature his Spicy Chicken Sandwich. Though it is a definite stretch, I feel vindicated in reviewing the Spicy Chicken Sandwich on America’s Birthday. However, though the parallels between the spicy chicken and the Fourth of July are somewhat dubious, I have no doubt in giving the Spicy Chicken Sandwich four and a half (red white and blue) sporks out of a possible five. A high price keeps this otherwise-perfect sandwich from receiving a perfect rating. However, Wendy’s deserves commendation for this excellent, if not patriotic, effort. Happy clucking, Wendy’s, and happy birthday, America.
June 29, 2005
"Grab'n Go" Sheetz
Mornings are always a difficult time for your internet food critic. Climbing out of bed as my alarm clock serenades me with the latest country hit has never been one of my favorite parts of the day, and my morning routine can consistently be described as “rushed”. As one can imagine, this often leaves me on the short end of the breakfast stick. I have little time to prepare flapjacks, French toast, bacon, eggs, or hash browns for myself.
I could easily resolve this difficult situation in my high school days by stopping in at my friendly cafeteria breakfast booth and picking up the egg sandwich, which was always one of my favorite delicacies. Unfortunately, I have been forced to join the world of the working this summer, and I have no access to the high school cafeteria or the fabled egg sandwich. When the fact that I must be at work by seven o’clock in the morning is considered, it is apparent that I am in quite a quandary when the problem of meeting my stomach’s morning demands is considered.
Fortunately, there are a plethora of cheap breakfast options offered by many expedient food service institutions. Sheetz, one of my dearest food providing friends, offers one of the best values in quick breakfasting. Grab and Go Schmuffins and Schmiscuits are wonderful inventions that give me hope that there may be a breakfast sandwich to succeed Carlisle High School’s five-spork wonder.
Anyone who has tasted a Schmuffin or Schmiscuit knows that they are a tasty wonder served at Sheetz everywhere. One can order them in the classic “Made to Order” style that Sheetz employs twenty-four hours a day, but he or she can also snag a pre-made breakfast sandwich during typical breakfast hours. In addition to saving time by having the sandwiches prepared in the morning, Sheetz offers the morning delicacies at a substantial discount in their “Grab and Go” moniker. For instance, a “Grab and Go” Schmiscuit costs only $1.29, while a “Made to Order” Schmiscuit runs upward of two dollars. I appreciate both the convenience and discount of the “Grab and Go” lineup, although the discount does lead me to become suspicious that Sheetz overcharges for “Made to Order” items.
Pricing aside, the Sheetz breakfast sandwiches are delicious additions to any early morning routine. The Schmuffin is a basic egg patty with the optional addition of sausage or bacon, and the Schmiscuit is a biscuit with the same selections for the internal pieces. I personally prefer the Schmiscuit over the Schmuffin, although both are excellent pieces of breakfast cuisine. I find that the biscuit gives the sandwich a buttery flavor that is sorely lacking in the Schmuffin. Although both sandwiches are dry, I find that a drink of frosty milk or cold apple juice is much more rewarding with the Schmiscuit than the Schmuffin, as well. I simply feel that biscuits have a substantially better flavor than English muffins, and that they are also consequently better suited for use in an early morning sandwich. Though one pays a thirty cent premium for this flavor, I find that it is well worth the quarter and nickel.
Having stated my preference for Schmiscuits over Schmuffins, I can confidently say that both are rewarding ways to start the culinary day. The egg in the sandwich is fluffy and tasty, and the meat components explode in flavor. All three aspects of the sandwiches seem to combine to form a delicious flavorful harmony on the tongue. The stomach will be similarly pleased, as the sandwiches deliver a satisfying “full” feeling and plenty of energy for a hard days work.
Sadly, I have experienced many inconsistencies in the “Grab and Go” availability of Schmuffins and Schmiscuits. Often, I have walked into a local Sheetz to find no breakfast sandwiches remaining under the “Grab and Go” heat lamps. This unfortunate setback is a great detraction from the eating experience, as my mornings typically operate on a tight schedule. One must then pay the premium “Made to Order” price for his or her Schmuffin or Schmiscuit, and they must also dedicate valuable time to waiting for their sandwich to be constructed. In addition, I have also visited Sheetz that offer no “Grab and Go”. These sad inconsistencies seriously hamper my enjoyment of the Schmiscuit and Schmuffin. I can never enter a Sheetz knowing with certainty that they will have my breakfast. This is an unfortunate worry that detracts from an otherwise wonderful eating experience.
When all aspects of Schmuffins and Schmiscuits are considered, the Sheetz family of breakfast sandwiches earns a solid three sporks out of five. The taste of the sandwiches is superb, but inconsistencies in availability hamper what is an otherwise worthy relative of Carlisle High School’s honorable egg sandwich.
I could easily resolve this difficult situation in my high school days by stopping in at my friendly cafeteria breakfast booth and picking up the egg sandwich, which was always one of my favorite delicacies. Unfortunately, I have been forced to join the world of the working this summer, and I have no access to the high school cafeteria or the fabled egg sandwich. When the fact that I must be at work by seven o’clock in the morning is considered, it is apparent that I am in quite a quandary when the problem of meeting my stomach’s morning demands is considered.
Fortunately, there are a plethora of cheap breakfast options offered by many expedient food service institutions. Sheetz, one of my dearest food providing friends, offers one of the best values in quick breakfasting. Grab and Go Schmuffins and Schmiscuits are wonderful inventions that give me hope that there may be a breakfast sandwich to succeed Carlisle High School’s five-spork wonder.
Anyone who has tasted a Schmuffin or Schmiscuit knows that they are a tasty wonder served at Sheetz everywhere. One can order them in the classic “Made to Order” style that Sheetz employs twenty-four hours a day, but he or she can also snag a pre-made breakfast sandwich during typical breakfast hours. In addition to saving time by having the sandwiches prepared in the morning, Sheetz offers the morning delicacies at a substantial discount in their “Grab and Go” moniker. For instance, a “Grab and Go” Schmiscuit costs only $1.29, while a “Made to Order” Schmiscuit runs upward of two dollars. I appreciate both the convenience and discount of the “Grab and Go” lineup, although the discount does lead me to become suspicious that Sheetz overcharges for “Made to Order” items.
Pricing aside, the Sheetz breakfast sandwiches are delicious additions to any early morning routine. The Schmuffin is a basic egg patty with the optional addition of sausage or bacon, and the Schmiscuit is a biscuit with the same selections for the internal pieces. I personally prefer the Schmiscuit over the Schmuffin, although both are excellent pieces of breakfast cuisine. I find that the biscuit gives the sandwich a buttery flavor that is sorely lacking in the Schmuffin. Although both sandwiches are dry, I find that a drink of frosty milk or cold apple juice is much more rewarding with the Schmiscuit than the Schmuffin, as well. I simply feel that biscuits have a substantially better flavor than English muffins, and that they are also consequently better suited for use in an early morning sandwich. Though one pays a thirty cent premium for this flavor, I find that it is well worth the quarter and nickel.
Having stated my preference for Schmiscuits over Schmuffins, I can confidently say that both are rewarding ways to start the culinary day. The egg in the sandwich is fluffy and tasty, and the meat components explode in flavor. All three aspects of the sandwiches seem to combine to form a delicious flavorful harmony on the tongue. The stomach will be similarly pleased, as the sandwiches deliver a satisfying “full” feeling and plenty of energy for a hard days work.
Sadly, I have experienced many inconsistencies in the “Grab and Go” availability of Schmuffins and Schmiscuits. Often, I have walked into a local Sheetz to find no breakfast sandwiches remaining under the “Grab and Go” heat lamps. This unfortunate setback is a great detraction from the eating experience, as my mornings typically operate on a tight schedule. One must then pay the premium “Made to Order” price for his or her Schmuffin or Schmiscuit, and they must also dedicate valuable time to waiting for their sandwich to be constructed. In addition, I have also visited Sheetz that offer no “Grab and Go”. These sad inconsistencies seriously hamper my enjoyment of the Schmiscuit and Schmuffin. I can never enter a Sheetz knowing with certainty that they will have my breakfast. This is an unfortunate worry that detracts from an otherwise wonderful eating experience.
When all aspects of Schmuffins and Schmiscuits are considered, the Sheetz family of breakfast sandwiches earns a solid three sporks out of five. The taste of the sandwiches is superb, but inconsistencies in availability hamper what is an otherwise worthy relative of Carlisle High School’s honorable egg sandwich.
June 21, 2005
McDonald's Fruit and Walnut Salad
My duties as Carlisle High School's Cafeteria Critic were always somewhat straightforward. The specific duty of sampling a variety of cafeteria cuisine was placed roughly upon my slender shoulders. As I pondered the transition from a general cafeteria critic to a food critic of much broader pastures, I was puzzled by the staggering array of foods which I could review. Tacos, cheeseburgers, pizzas, and French fries from an American plethora of food service companies are mine for reviewing. I must admit that I feel that I have lost some proverbial bondage in reviewing food. I am no longer limited to the government-standardized food of a high school cafeteria. This fact is both exciting to my mind and dangerous to my cholesterol, but I was struck by an epiphany when pondering where to begin my reviews. McDonald's, the most widely known fast-food chain in the world, was literally screaming to my discriminating tongue. Though the golden arches may have served "Over 1 Billion Burgers", they would be grilling an important piece of beef quite soon. Once I decided to sample Mickey D's offerings, I made a decision to try out their classic hamburger from the popular "Dollar Menu". However, as I my feet stepped onto the soda-coated floor of my Local McDonald's, a few pieces of information greeted me. First and foremost, I was troubled by the dangerous reports of mad cow disease in the United States. Pesky prions may have turned up in Washington State, and although a transcontinental trek is quite a distance for such small pathogens, I felt it prudent to play it safe and avoid beef. After all, if this single cow can shatter McDonald's stock price, how can I be so foolish as to risk my sanity over a salubrious burger? Even more importantly, I noted the addition of the new "Fruit and Walnut Salad" to the offerings of Ronald McDonald. Though this selection is mostly marketed to women, my never-ending curiosity overcame any gender-bias I may have felt and led me to fork over $2.99 for the salad. I felt sure that nutritionalists everywhere would be proud of my healthy choice. As I sat down with my salad in its streamlined black bowl, I was somewhat disappointed by the differentiation in fruit types. Generally, when one mentions a fruit salad, I picture a variety of apples, bananas, pears, oranges, pineapples, and melon with an occasional strawberry or cherry thrown in for added flavor and color. Ronald McDonald, it seems, as given in to his friend Grimace's dower ideals when constructing the new salad. I was greeted by slices of apple with red skin, slices of apple with green skin, purple seedless grapes, a bag of walnuts, and low-fat yogurt. While I realize that marketing is all about presentation, I believe that a lawsuit against Mickey D's for false advertising is in order. Make no mistake, this is not a "fruit salad" It is a few sliced apples with grapes, yogurt, and a prepackaged bag of walnuts. I was, however, pleasantly surprised by the quality of the apples. I found them to be crisp, sweet, and juicy. In all likelihood, this is thanks to new advances made by McDonald's in fruit prosthesis, but I cannot complain based on my conjecture. I will, however, note that the grapes, while seedless, were somewhat soggy. In my opinion, there is no fruit worse than a mushy grape, and the Fruit and Walnut Salad falls victim to this inadequacy. The bag of walnuts contained a somewhat stingy portion, although flavor was quite good. The walnuts seemed to be doused in sugar, a move that certainly does not help my caloric intake, although it greatly increased my enjoyment. I didn't sprinkle them on my salad in the way that McDonald's posters show, however. I do not quite understand how one is to pick up a walnut with a fork. The yogurt also went quite well with the salad. I must admit that I greatly enjoyed dipping my fruit into the sweet yogurt. It both added flavor to the salad and helped to break the monotony of eating apple after apple in a "fruit salad". As a whole, I must say that the meal was quite filling for fruit. While I expected the fruit salad to leave me hungry for a burger "peared" with some fries, I was "grapely" surprised by the level of complacency of my stomach. The amount of fullness I experienced after eating the apples was particularly perplexing. I have my own theories as to the cause of this phenomenon, most of which center around genetic engineering and the substitution of plastics for cellulose, but I will refrain from delving into idle speculation.
Whenever one samples a McDonald's item, they are not simply sampling food. Any individual that orders from Ronald's menu is partaking in both a food item and an advertising campaign. Your friends at the Golden Arches have certainly outdone themselves in constructing a fascinating ad campaign for the fruit and walnut salad. I was tempted to "put a smile on" as I read the promotional poster that ordered me to "Get a fruit buzz". If I was less than certain of McDonald's infinite corporate and sociological wisdom, I would question the ramifications of such a campaign on adults and children. After some deep inspection, I have concluded that McDonald's is not cross promoting illegal and irresponsible use of drugs with this slogan, however. Rather, they are demonstrating to children that the war on drugs is real, so the only safe buzz comes from fruit. However, I must say that I did not feel the least bit intoxicated after eating my apples, grapes, walnuts, and yogurt.
In addition to the "fruit buzz" marketing blitz, McDonald's has decided to include a unique green fork with every fruit and walnut salad. This lime piece of mass-produced plastic is sure to bring flavorful joy to even the fruitiest Scrooge. I know that my face lit up like Gwyneth Paltrow's daughter on Christmas morning when I unwrapped my fork. It truly made my day.
After examining the entire fruit and walnut salad, I must award it a lackluster two sporks out of a possible five. The salad's lack of fruit variety seriously impaired my enjoyment. The steep $2.99 price also hampered my love for the selection. Additionally, I was somewhat put off by the curious marketing techniques that included a phantom fruit buzz and green fork. However, judging from the pinks and greens employed in the promotional poster, Mickey D's seems to be targeting women with the salad. Perhaps my limited male mind cannot fathom the depths of a fruit buzz and green fork.
For those of you that prefer alternate forms of measurement, I have decided to rank the fruit and walnut salad in green forks. It receives a disappointing 30 out of a possible 75 green forks. (This translates into roughly two sporks out of five) I must give some merit to Ronald McDonald for expanding his offerings. Unfortunately, when there is more variety in the vegetables on my burger than there is in the fruit in my fruit salad, McDonald’s workers will not be able to “love to see me smile.”
Whenever one samples a McDonald's item, they are not simply sampling food. Any individual that orders from Ronald's menu is partaking in both a food item and an advertising campaign. Your friends at the Golden Arches have certainly outdone themselves in constructing a fascinating ad campaign for the fruit and walnut salad. I was tempted to "put a smile on" as I read the promotional poster that ordered me to "Get a fruit buzz". If I was less than certain of McDonald's infinite corporate and sociological wisdom, I would question the ramifications of such a campaign on adults and children. After some deep inspection, I have concluded that McDonald's is not cross promoting illegal and irresponsible use of drugs with this slogan, however. Rather, they are demonstrating to children that the war on drugs is real, so the only safe buzz comes from fruit. However, I must say that I did not feel the least bit intoxicated after eating my apples, grapes, walnuts, and yogurt.
In addition to the "fruit buzz" marketing blitz, McDonald's has decided to include a unique green fork with every fruit and walnut salad. This lime piece of mass-produced plastic is sure to bring flavorful joy to even the fruitiest Scrooge. I know that my face lit up like Gwyneth Paltrow's daughter on Christmas morning when I unwrapped my fork. It truly made my day.
After examining the entire fruit and walnut salad, I must award it a lackluster two sporks out of a possible five. The salad's lack of fruit variety seriously impaired my enjoyment. The steep $2.99 price also hampered my love for the selection. Additionally, I was somewhat put off by the curious marketing techniques that included a phantom fruit buzz and green fork. However, judging from the pinks and greens employed in the promotional poster, Mickey D's seems to be targeting women with the salad. Perhaps my limited male mind cannot fathom the depths of a fruit buzz and green fork.
For those of you that prefer alternate forms of measurement, I have decided to rank the fruit and walnut salad in green forks. It receives a disappointing 30 out of a possible 75 green forks. (This translates into roughly two sporks out of five) I must give some merit to Ronald McDonald for expanding his offerings. Unfortunately, when there is more variety in the vegetables on my burger than there is in the fruit in my fruit salad, McDonald’s workers will not be able to “love to see me smile.”
June 16, 2005
A Bold New Frontier for Rick's Cafeteria Critique
Food is one of the most important aspects of our lives as human beings. Eating is not just an activity that we are forced to undertake simply to nourish our bodies and provide ourselves with energy. Though there are some people that eat to live, many more live to eat. People spend long hours chatting in diners, preparing delicacies, or savoring over deli windows full of food. Many newspapers run weekly sections entitled "Food". There is a "Food Network". Indeed, obesity is an ever-growing problem in America. Though many of us take food and the pleasure we derive from food for granted, I believe that the topic can inspire some fascinating discussion.
A small portion of individuals may have heard of Rick's Cafeteria Critique, a monthly column that I wrote for my High School Newspaper, the Periscope. In the column, I would review delicacies offered by the Carlisle High School Cafeteria in a way that I hoped was both entertaining and enjoyable. This little column was featured in article in The Patriot News, and in an Associated Press Article. That article ran in many papers across the country, and was featured on many news websites including CNN.com and MSNBC.com. Type "Rick Seltzer Cafeteria" into Google or many News websites, and you can find the Associated Press article. I was even given the opportunity to do a short interview on the FOX news channel on a Saturday afternoon. I enjoyed the experience immensely, and am still in disbelief at the great media coverage that my column achieved. After all, I wrote it both for the entertainment of my fellow student and for my own enjoyment.
Unfortunately, my days as the Carlisle High School Cafeteria Critic have ended. It is said that "All good things must come to an end", and Graduation has ended my reign as the self-proclaimed cafeteria critic. After several weeks without reviewing a piece of food, I found myself a bitter, depressed young man. One does not know the feeling of worthlessness until he or she has lost their creative outlet of reviewing inexpensive cafeteria food of questionable quality for the pleasure of a student body. Therefore, I have decided to rededicate myself to the art of inexpensive food and bring my critiquing into this blog.
There will, of course, be several changes in format as I adapt my reviewing into an online format. For the time being, there will be no pictures to accompany my reviews. (As my one fan that read the column in Periscope knows, reviews were always accompanied by an amusing picture of me enjoying the delicacy I was reviewing) Also, I will not be simply reviewing cafeteria food, but I will be partaking in a wide variety of selections from fast food restaurants and other such culinary goldmines. My hope is that everyone can gain some insight into cheap food, and that Rick's Cafeteria Critique will not die, but will evolve into a new median and a higher form of writing.
I look forward to disseminating my unsolicited culinary opinions for the enjoyment of individuals around the world. I feel that the future for Rick's Cafeteria Critique is bright, and I eagerly anticipate a journey that is sure to be both successful and fulfilling.
A small portion of individuals may have heard of Rick's Cafeteria Critique, a monthly column that I wrote for my High School Newspaper, the Periscope. In the column, I would review delicacies offered by the Carlisle High School Cafeteria in a way that I hoped was both entertaining and enjoyable. This little column was featured in article in The Patriot News, and in an Associated Press Article. That article ran in many papers across the country, and was featured on many news websites including CNN.com and MSNBC.com. Type "Rick Seltzer Cafeteria" into Google or many News websites, and you can find the Associated Press article. I was even given the opportunity to do a short interview on the FOX news channel on a Saturday afternoon. I enjoyed the experience immensely, and am still in disbelief at the great media coverage that my column achieved. After all, I wrote it both for the entertainment of my fellow student and for my own enjoyment.
Unfortunately, my days as the Carlisle High School Cafeteria Critic have ended. It is said that "All good things must come to an end", and Graduation has ended my reign as the self-proclaimed cafeteria critic. After several weeks without reviewing a piece of food, I found myself a bitter, depressed young man. One does not know the feeling of worthlessness until he or she has lost their creative outlet of reviewing inexpensive cafeteria food of questionable quality for the pleasure of a student body. Therefore, I have decided to rededicate myself to the art of inexpensive food and bring my critiquing into this blog.
There will, of course, be several changes in format as I adapt my reviewing into an online format. For the time being, there will be no pictures to accompany my reviews. (As my one fan that read the column in Periscope knows, reviews were always accompanied by an amusing picture of me enjoying the delicacy I was reviewing) Also, I will not be simply reviewing cafeteria food, but I will be partaking in a wide variety of selections from fast food restaurants and other such culinary goldmines. My hope is that everyone can gain some insight into cheap food, and that Rick's Cafeteria Critique will not die, but will evolve into a new median and a higher form of writing.
I look forward to disseminating my unsolicited culinary opinions for the enjoyment of individuals around the world. I feel that the future for Rick's Cafeteria Critique is bright, and I eagerly anticipate a journey that is sure to be both successful and fulfilling.