Don't wing it this Super Bowl

No doubt you've heard the fuss about the supposed chicken wing shortage coming just days before the Super Bowl. High prices and the United States' largest wing supplier's bankruptcy filing are threatening to destroy the great event by eroding the snack food-foundation upon which it rests!

... Or not. Reading past the headline of any of these reports clearly shows that while you might have to pay a few cents more for your wings this year, you won't have any trouble getting them. But the hysteria that nearly swept the nation was well founded nonetheless. We need our snacks for the Super Bowl.

Therefore I would like to suggest a few alternative foods. Even if the grocery store has wings, these foods should jolt you from a ho-hum same-as-last-year Super Bowl culinary experience into a new world of unhealthy enjoyment.

• The Bacon Explosion. This roll of bacon and sausage looks like the greatest creation man hath ever wrought. I'm not sure whether to start my mouth watering or gag when I look at it, which means it must be a whole new level of unhealthelicious. This is as close as you'll get to a heart attack on a plate -- perfect for Super Bowl, the gluttonous event of all gluttonous events.
• Bratwurst/Sausage. They give you more meat for less work than a chicken wing. You can even get a range of flavors if you're willing to try out a cheddarwurst or spicy sausage. Plus, they don't dirty fingers like those sticky, messy wings, meaning your guests won't leave red marks all over the sofa. They'd also be a great warm-up for a Bacon Explosion main course.
  
• Ribs. If you must have some messy finger food, go with some barbecue spare ribs this year. Take all of those "wing shortage" stories in the media as an omen that you should eat another sticky finger food. If you miss the idea of dipping a spicy wing into blue cheese, go ahead and slather the buffalo sauce on the ribs and dunk away. Maybe you'll discover a new family recipe. Or maybe you'll wish you had made the Bacon Explosion.
  
• Chips and dip. Turn the old stalwart into something special this year. Make some spinach and artichoke dip or whip up some homemade queso. Load up the chips and you won't even miss the meat ... until you smell the Bacon Explosion on the grill.
  
• Or you could just go with pizza. But even if you throw some bacon and sausage on it, it's not going to be the Bacon Explosion. In fact, it's probably better to just skip the pizza this year unless you're going to roll it around a Bacon Explosion. That would one-up the overrated turducken. Take that, John Madden!
  

In case you didn't get my drift, make this year all about the Bacon Explosion. I don't want to get into the discussion about who invented it and when. What's more important is that it hit the big time (on the Internet, at least) this year, in time for the Super Bowl.

I can hardly wait to try a Bacon Explosion. Hopefully I'll even live long enough afterward to review it.