November 9, 2014

Where's the pork in Pizza Hut's Bacon Cheese Stuffed Crust?

There's bacon in the crust. Supposedly.
Let's do another pizza review.

It's late fall, a time of early sunsets, long dark nights and extensive football viewing. What better way to warm the chill of creeping winter than with a warm pizza box delivered to the home?

And what better way to improve a warm box of pizza than with stuffed crust? What better way to improve Stuffed Crust Pizza than with bacon?

Pizza Hut seemed to have followed that thought process when it created its Bacon Stuffed Crust Pizza. Said pizza should be the precipice of junk food. It should deserve its own museum in Louisville, Kentucky, a place on the fast food Mount Rushmore and a spot atop every list of favorite takeout foods. It should marry cheese, bacon and crust in a union blessed by divine providence.

Unfortunately, the gods did not smile upon Pizza Hut's creation.

While one should finish a pie feeling pigged out on porky goodness, there's none of that bacon blast here. The tiny bacon bits in the crust are completely overwhelmed by Pizza Hut's salty, gooey stuffed crust. If I didn't know there was bacon in this pizza, I might have missed the meat entirely while eating.

That's simply unforgivable. Stuffed Crust Pizza is delicious in a what-did-I-just-do-to-my-body way. Bacon is delicious in the same way. Do a decent job of combining them and the result would be a heart stopper.

Instead it's a heart breaker. I can't get past what might have been here. Two sporks out of five.

November 2, 2014

Little Caesars Pretzel Crust Pizza is missing from your life

Pretzel goodness in a pizza. What more do you want?
Unless you make a habit of trying different Hot-N-Ready pizzas at Little Caesars, you probably haven't tasted Pretzel Crust Pizza.

Change that. Right now.

This is a pizza suited for children, adults who are young at heart and anyone else who likes pretzels. If you're a kid who eats nacho cheese, you'll like it. If you're an adult who buys SuperPretzels from your grocer's freezer, you'll like it. If you're willing to visit Auntie Anne's at the mall when you need a snack, this Pretzel Crust Pizza is worth trying.

Here's Little Caesar's recipe for the pie: Take pretzel dough crust, top it with a "creamy cheddar cheese sauce" that tastes like it belongs in a Velveeta commercial, put on a layer of shredded cheese, toss in some pepperoni and throw a heaping helping of salt on top of it all.

There's not a single thing there that doesn't qualify as sinfully delicious.

Here's the recipe for eating it: Find a $5 bill, get a humongous drink to take the edge off the salt, and sit down with someone who's not a food snob.

That's right, this pizza is only $5. For that price, how can you not try it?

The snotty people of the world will turn up their noses as they hurry off to find some expensive and unsatisfying foie gras. Let them go. Find someone who's not afraid to eat cheap and split this pizza with them. You'll feel greasy, you'll feel salty, and you'll feel happy.

Five sporks out of five, Little Caesars. Pretzel Pizza! Pretzel Pizza!