January 9, 2013

Hanging out with dried pineapple

I'm pleased to report the long-awaited 2011/2012 Golden Spork awards look to be everything everyone expected. Ever. Anywhere in the universe.

You'll laugh. You'll cry. You might even rush out to buy foods that haven't been available for 24 months. One thing you won't do, however, is read the awards today.

See, electroplating utensils isn't exactly the easiest thing to do. So we'll all just have to wait a few more days until the sporks are ready to feed public demand. I'm targeting a post this weekend -- is Sunday good for everyone? Awards ceremonies are best on non-workdays, anyway.

If you need a snack to tie you over, I've got just the thing. It's what I've been munching as I prepare the Sporkies. It might even be one of the reasons they're late: dried pineapple.

I know it's not sexy. All those wrinkles. That pale yellow color. The dried-fruit stigma. Who wants to be seen in public with dried pineapple? People might start randomly playing guitars at you and asking if you make your own candles.

No one needs to be spotted with dried pineapple in polite company, fortunately. It's so sweet, you'll be tempted to gobble it up before you can ever take it out of the house. Try to have just a few pieces. I bet you can't. Before you know it, all of your dehydrated fruit will be gone.

That's what happened to me. I ate a 12 oz. bag -- that's nine servings -- in three nights. And most of it was gone after the first two. Only a few pieces were left tonight, just enough to start me pining for more.

You can see the damage below. I didn't even have the restraint to save enough pineapple for a photo shoot. Sorry, but we'll all have to do with a picture of the empty bag. Clear plastic isn't photogenic, but it proves my point that dried pineapple is irresistible.

The problem with photographing dried pineapple is you have to take a break from eating it long enough to get out the camera.

The pieces almost, almost disintegrate in your mouth. They require just enough tooth-pressure to give you a sense of chewing, which is, of course, always rewarding. As for flavor, you'll have a good sense of things if you take the juice in which canned pineapple swims and crystallize it.

Moving on to drawbacks, dried fruit isn't always cheap. My bag was $2.99, and that's the lowest price per pound I've been able to find. The sugar content is, unsurprisingly, pretty high, too. Plus, I'm a little worried about consuming mass quantities of the little yellow morsels. How much can you eat before succumbing to some form of gastrointestinal distress?

 A price tag below $3 and high saccharide content is hardly reason to dock sporks in a snack this good. Five out of five. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go plate more sporks.

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