A very special set of Golden Spork Awards: The best foods of 2011 and 2012

Two years is a long time to wait for flatware, even the most prestigious gold-plated utensils in the blogosphere.

Foodies and devotees to my writing know the history of the Golden Spork Awards. First held at the end of 2008, they honor the best foods featured on this critique over a 365-day period. Awards range from the always-affordable "Short Payment" category for the best food under $1 to the penultimate honor in commoners' culinary circles, the "Best Picnic," which goes to the top taste of the year.

The latest set of Golden Spork Awards, or "Sporkies," as they're affectionately referred to among diners everywhere, doesn't encompass a single 365-day period, however. It covers two years, a move made necessary by the 15-month gap in food reviews this critiquer experienced between July of 2011 and November of 2012. We won't go into the details about that dark time at this moment, but we must mention it in order to acknowledge the fact that some of the foods honored here today have been waiting for far too long to receive their congratulatory hardware.

That wait, I'm pleased to tell you, ends now. Without further ado, I bring you the 2011/2012 Golden Spork Awards!

Put a Spork in Them: Foods to forget from 2011 and 2012

We start out with our regular wall of shame, foods to be avoided at all cost. These items leave a sour taste in the mouth to this day.

McDonald's Shamrock Shake
Major boos and hisses for the plastic packaging McDonald's Shamrock Shakes started wearing under the ill-conceived McCafe brand. It left hands cold and, worse, sweat like a pig on New Year's Eve. All that water had the shake seriously slippery, making it all too easy to spend more energy handling the cup than enjoying the masterfully minty tones of the seasonal shake. Worse, the option of ordering the shake with whipped cream and a cherry appeared, an abomination that must have left St. Patrick wishing he'd driven those snakes from Ireland all the way to Mickey D's corporate offices.

McDonald's CBO
The golden arches pull off a rare twofer on the Sporkies' worst foods list with the CBO -- short for Cheddar, Bacon, Onion. Interestingly, McDonald's earns scorn in both cases not for its food, but for the decisions it made surrounding that food. The CBO is a fine sandwich saddled with a mind-numbing name more evocative of federal bureaucracy than a burger worth eating. Which is a shame, because the CBO is actually a pretty tasty treat.

Golden Spork Awards: The top foods reviewed in 2011/2012

Free Food:
Biscoff
This pick is so obvious it's almost painful. From the ferocious first-bite crunch to the sweet sugar dissolving in your mouth a moment later, Biscoff remains one of the most satisfying things you can eat without first having to reach for your wallet. It's an included snack option on most Delta flights, and while plane tickets aren't free, Biscoff remains one of the few things you can get mid-air without additional charge. That's enough to qualify it for this category, which in turn makes it a hands-down winner.

Short Payment (best food under $1):
Snickers Egg
The Snickers Egg wins this category almost by default, owing to a distressingly short list of candidates at the required price point. The egg is good, and it's an even better change-up from the gamut of traditional Easter Candy. But something tells me we'll hear more about the lack of affordable food later in these awards ...

Seasonal Food:
Subway Double Bacon, Egg & Cheese
A surprise winner owing its Seasonal Food candidacy to an April 2011 appearance as Subway's $5 Footlong of the month, the Double Bacon, Egg & Cheese made breakfast work for lunch and dinner. It's a shame this sandwich isn't available for afternoon meals when it isn't the $5 Footlong of the month, because it flattens the competition when ordered on flatbread. Can double bacon ever go wrong?

Snack/Candy:
Goldfish Grahams S'mores
Perhaps the strongest food to ever win this title, Goldfish Grahams S'mores qualify under both the "snack" and "candy" category. They take home the 24-carat spork thanks to an amazingly close approximation of the s'more-eating experience. These fishes really are so delicious that you'll want to bring them to work, school, or your next camping trip.





Best Supporting Beverage:
vitaminwater stur-D
Whether it's washing down breakfast or coming at any other time of the day, stur-D's combination of blue agave, passion fruit and citrus pleases. It's fun to drink and a horror to write about, thanks to vitaminwater's constant violation of traditional capitalization rules. And slotting it in for this award gives me reason to re-publish the following line from my March 2011 review, which is one of my favorites. "If you can get past the fact that it looks like you're about to guzzle a liquefied Smurf, stur-D makes a tasty beverage."

Best Dessert in a Leading Role:
Not awarded
Let the controversy ensue. There will be no award winner in this category, owing to a troubling trend in dessert that developed over the last two years: the rising price of chocolate. In early 2011, many candy bars could be had for 50 cents, while larger options were often on sale for 75 cents. By the end of 2012, those prices had swelled to at least 69 cents and $1.25, respectively. This inflation is absurd. No one should have to tack a dollar onto their supermarket order because they want a chocolate fix. This lack of an award represents a protest, plain and simple.

Best Picnic
Chocolate-Dipped Peeps
Let the controversy continue. As I looked over my 2011 and 2012 reviews, I couldn't believe the early returns. Only two foods, Chocolate-Dipped Peeps and Biscoff, qualified for Best Picnic, which requires a full five-spork review rating. Of those, the Peeps were clearly superior. But Peeps seem like a bird-brained choice for the years' top honor.

Look deeper, though, and you'll see that Chocolate-Dipped Peeps outclassed everything else appearing on the critique over the last two years. They strike a delicate balance between a chocolate base and that sugary traditional Peep coating we all know and love. And they're groundbreaking in that most Peeps aren't remotely good enough to merit consideration for Best Picnic.

These Peeps have your intrepid critiquer eagerly awaiting this year's Easter season. This pick isn't as feather-brained as it first seems.

Kudos to all of the Golden Spork recipients. As always, the real winners aren't the foods themselves, but those of us eating them. Here's to a tasty 2013!

Third Annual Golden Spork Awards: The best foods of 2010

Button up your tux or zip up the back of your fanciest gown! It's time to hand out some of the most highly sought-after awards in affordable food: the 2010 Golden Spork Awards.

All you historians out there have no doubt noticed that this year's ceremonies have been moved back to their original date of New Year's Eve after 2009's festivities were experimentally held in early March 2010 to piggyback off the popularity of the Oscars. That scheduling, really just a shameless attempt to gain some cheap traction on search engines, never really panned out. Apparently readers searching the web for movie awards don't eat.


The jostling schedule for the Golden Sporks leaves list fans in luck. You get two food critique awards in the same calendar year! Mazel tov!


In a desperate attempt to keep some continuity, the awards handed out this year will feature the same categories as in 2009. To be eligible, a food had to be reviewed during the 2010 calendar year. Anyone who wishes to look through the candidates can do so by following this link. Those of you looking for previous Golden Spork Awards can find them here.

A quick rundown of the awards: We start with the worst of 2010, the "Put a Spork in Them" list, before moving on to the Best Free Food, Best Sub-$1 Food and Best Seasonal Food. Things start to heat up with the prestigious Best Snack/Candy award and Best Supporting Beverage honors, then turn into an all-out food fight as contenders duke it out for Best Dessert in a Leading Role. Finally, we wrap it up with the honor of all honors, the top food of 2010, the Best Picnic trophy. To contend for Best Picnic, a food had to have received five sporks out of five in its initial review.

In an effort to cover as much ground as possible, foods aren't eligible for more than one award. So if a 99-cent burrito wins Best Picnic, it cannot win Best Sub-$1 food.

2010 was a year dominated by high-profile food news: The KFC Double Down grabbed headlines while Mountain Dew and Vitamin Water waged crowd-sourced competitions for new flavors. But the low profile flavors were just as noteworthy, as Chocolate Pop Rocks and new Taco Bell sauces, Verde and Fire Roasted Border Salsa, deserve their fare share of attention.

Which foods take the cake as the best of 2010? Without further ado, let's find out!

Put a Spork in Them: 2010's foods to forget

Cinnabon Cereal More sugar than a grocery store's baking aisle and a flavor that could have been taken straight from Post Waffle Crisp made this cereal a blemish on breakfast. Parents, don't let your children try this Molotov cocktail in a breakfast bowl, lest they become sugar junkies like the title character in Calvin and Hobbes.






Vitamin Water Connect Facebook may have inspired a successful movie this year with "The Social Network," but the site's Vitamin Water stepchild fell far short of expectations. Touted as a combination of black cherry and lime, this drink was the pits with an overpowering citrus flavor. If ever there was a reason to call for a "Dislike" button, this is it.




Golden Spork Awards: The top foods reviewed in 2010

Free Food: Burger King Seattle's Best Coffee The King rolled out a partnership with Seattle's Best Coffee this year and celebrated by handing out free coffee every Friday in November. While Seattle's best isn't the most bewitching brew, no other handout came close to matching four straight weeks of something-for-nothing bliss.

Short Payment (Best Sub-$1 Food): Taco Bell's $5 Box Sure to be a controversial pick, the $5 Box managed to win a category for which it didn't even appear to be eligible. Worse, it received a paltry two spork rating on initial review! That low rating stemmed largely from the fact that the $5 Box was handed to me in a bag, but it didn't reflect the value of the meal, which packed a Cheesy Gordita Crunch (to munch), a Burrito Supreme, a Crunchy Taco, Cinnamon Twists and a drink. That's a ton of food for $5, and it was enough to propel the $5 Box to an oxymoronic victory in a category for foods priced less than $1.

Seasonal Food: Starbuck's Peppermint White Chocolate Mocha The next best thing to dipping a white-chocolate-coated candy cane in espresso, this rich drink packed enough Christmas flavor to have even the biggest Scrooge singing "Jingle Bells."

Snack/Candy: Pretzel M&M's A near-perfect take on the classic combination of chocolate and pretzels. You'll be tongue twisted as you try to come up with adjectives to describe these delectable nuggets.

Best Supporting Beverage: Mountain Dew White Out A tasty citrus soda should always find room on the shelf, and an online vote affirmed the supremacy of this flavor. While the opinion of the interweb masses was way off when it came to Vitamin Water Connect, Mountain Dew White Out is evidence that democracy really can work.

Best Dessert in a Leading Role: KFC Double Down The Double Down defies convention, and we're defying convention today by awarding it the title of best dessert of 2010. While it's served as a main course and has none of the traditional sweetness of dessert, the Double Down qualifies for this category because it truly is the icing on the cake of a memorable year in food -- not to mention the fact that it didn't fit any other category but definitely deserved some sort of award. As excessive as some of the most over-the-top desserts, this chicken concoction will live forever in our memories as one of the most brazen dishes to ever hit a fast food menu.

Best Picnic: Milky Way Midnight Only two foods pulled down the five-spork rating necessary to qualify for this year's Best Picnic Award: Wheaties Fuel and Milky Way Midnight. While both stars of this year waged war as worthy contenders, the Milky Way just edges out Wheaties Fuel with a stellar combination of dark chocolate, vanilla nougat and caramel working together with enough force to topple empires. This is what candy bars were meant to be, and eating one will pull anyone over to the dark side.

Congratulations to all of this year's award recipients. The real winners, of course, were those of us eating these delicious foods. We'll see you in 2011!

Second Annual Golden Spork Awards: The best foods of 2009

Hot on the heels of last night's Academy Awards, I'm proud to present the Second Annual Golden Spork Awards. This year's Golden Sporks will honor the foods Rick's Food Critique reviewed in 2009.

Close foodie followers will notice several tweaks to this year's awards. First, the timing. We've moved the presentation from last year's New Year's Eve slot to March in order to align with the Oscars. Hopefully this will sate any hunger for flavorful prizes that lurks in your belly after last night's fawning over tasteless films.

More importantly, the awards themselves have been modified. The first Golden Sporks were handed out to the four best foods reviewed in 2008, while the four worst foods were also cited. This year's awards will recognize the best foods in seven distinct categories, including "Best Supporting Beverage" and "Best Dessert in a Leading Role." We'll wrap up with the prestigious "Best Picnic," which is the best overall food reviewed in 2009.

The worst foods list is not completely gone, though. We'll start out with a brief "Put a spork in them" dishonorable mention roll call.

Put a spork in them: 2009's foods to forget

Burger King's Burger Shots Outgunned in every category, these should have been put out of their misery before ever reaching a menu.

Nabisco bags Someone at the snack giant seems to think people should use scissors or have a hard time getting to their crackers. The bags are impossible to open sans-tools without ripping and spilling food everywhere.

Golden Spork Awards: The top foods reviewed in 2009

Free Food: Mars Real Chocolate Relief Act In the depths of the economic recession the chocolate maker implemented a plan to send free candy coupons to anyone filling out an online form. People and M&M's everywhere smiled joyously.

Short Payment (Best sub-$1 food): Taco Bell Triple Layer Nachos They may have been a bit small and a tad soggy, but for 79 cents you didn't care.

Seasonal Food: Cadbury Creme Egg An old-time Easter favorite that always brings back memories of tummy aches and clucking bunnies.

Snack/Candy: Reese's Dark The dark side can be a wonderful thing. A rare knock-off that works better than the original.

Best Supporting Beverage: Pepsi Throwback/Mountain Dew Throwback While not the most balanced drinks, the sweet nod to real cane sugar in soda is too meaningful to ignore.

Best Dessert in a Leading Role: Yogen Früz Green Tea Frozen Yogurt
Not the gimmick it first appears to be, this luscious blend of flavors and textures surprised everyone to upset Wendy's Toffee Coffee Twisted Frosty.

Best Picnic: Five Guys By far the best overall eating experience of the year. Free peanuts, great fries, a slew of burger toppings and flavor that will knock you on your back. This is what eating a burger was meant to be.

A year in reviews: The best and worst foods of 2008

As the year draws to a close it's time to glance in the mirror at the tastiest and most abominable foods of 2008. I've selected eight foods I reviewed to make a bottom four worst foods and top four best foods from the year.

Just remember, this isn't supposed to be a commentary on my actual reviews. It's about the food itself, so don't skip my scathingly clever roast of the Christmas ham because you think I'm insulting my own writing.

The bottom foods are headed for the newly created "Put a spork in them" wall of shame. The top foods receive the equally new "Golden Spork Award." Enjoy!

Put a spork in them: The bottom four worst foods reviewed in 2008

4. McDonald's Southern Style Chicken Sandwich A perfect example of asking people to pay too much for a product that fails to deliver. Pickled by its own lack of exceptionalism.

3. Taco Bell's Cheesy Beefy Melt Proof that you can't just package the same three ingredients differently and claim to have a new and better offering. They should have added bacon or something.

2. The Christmas ham The poster child for traditions that need to go the way of the passenger pidgin.

1. Sweet and Salty Caramel Bugles A loud trumpet to product development labs everywhere: Test your food before selling it!

Golden Spork Award winners: The top four best foods reviewed in 2008

4. Reese's Whipps The right way to rethink a classic candy -- make it good.

3. Taco Bell's Bacon Cheddar Gordita Crunch Responsible for the breakthrough in food science proving that yes, bacon can improve Mexican food.

2. Starbuck's Christmas Blend It will make a coffee drinker out of you. Grab some if you can still find it.

1. Taco Bell's Cheesy Double Beef Burrito Simply the best deal in fast food today, and one of the few things that could dull the pain of the loss of my beloved Beef and Potato Burrito from Taco Bell's value menu.